Grief During the Holidays
Written by: Angelica Rivera, LPC-A
November 13, 2020
Grief is not a favored feeling. If grief were a family member, it would resemble the distant cousin that arrives at events untimely, brings your private life out in the open and is obnoxious. Some will do anything they can to avoid this feeling, even placing themselves in position to never have to feel it. Why would they? Grief feels like something heavy and painful has been placed on your chest. It can cause you to have crying spells out of nowhere, sleepless nights, change in eating habits, feeling that the world or death is unreal, and loneliness. During the holidays, the distant cousin that has been successfully avoided up until now will join even though they are not invited. It can make the holidays a lot more painful.
However grief is a necessary part of healing. Worden (2018) wrote on grief and outlined the “Tasks of Mourning” (these accompany the “Stages of Grief”) where one will mentally adapt to the loss.
The Tasks of Mourning include:
(1) Accept the reality of the loss
(2) Process the pain of grief
(3) Adjust to a world without the deceased
(4) Find a way to remember the deceased while embarking on the rest of one’s journey through life.
These tasks do have to be accomplished in order, but are good mile markers for thoughts and goals. During the holidays, task four is going to be the focus. If you make meaning of the loved one’s loss, you get to be in charge of the grief, what it means to you and how it manifests. Some visit their loved one’s grave, write letters to them, or engage in an activity that you know the loved one would have enjoyed. Maybe you can read their eulogy among close friends.
Many people feel like grief is that distant cousin, incessantly asking to come over and coming to parties not invited to. However, grief actually resembles a child - an inner child. Take some time to reframe your thoughts on grief. Visualize yourself at a table, invite your inner child to come sit with you, have a meal. Ask yourself, “What is my inner child doing?”, “What are they most upset about?”, “What does my inner child need in this moment?”, “What do they need during the holidays?” Thinking about grief as an inner child will help you provide positive boundaries to grief. Such as, “Grief can come to the party, but Grief will need a nap,” so take a break in family gatherings if you need to! Get away from the hustle and bustle and sit with yourself or a trusted friend perhaps outside for a little bit. Accept yourself grieving and give comfort to yourself the way you might a child. You might find that your inner child comes less and less often the more you befriend them.
For more reading about grief and the holidays I recommend:
“The Gift of Grief” by Dr. Ajita Robinson
“God’s Healing for Life’s Losses” by Kellemen
“Grief Day by Day” by Warner
About the author: Angelica Rivera is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate in Houston, TX, providing therapeutic services to children, teens, adults, couples, and families at KBT Counseling and Consulting, PLLC. Angelica earned her Master's in Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy from Houston Graduate School of Theology, and she is currently in pursuit of a Doctorate of Professional Counseling specializing in Trauma, Grief and Loss. If you would like more information on grief or needing more help on comforting your inner child you can contact Angelica at angelica@kbtcounseling.com.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. NY, NY: Springer Publishing Company, LLC.